In 2001, I had my first back surgery that seemed to go well. Unfortunately, in 2003, I re-injured my back and had to have another surgery. That one didn't work so well. Several months after the surgery, I tried to return to work and it was a dismal failure. My job required me to fly all over the country, lugging luggage through airports, standing in security, spending 8-10 hours a day at a client site. The only way for me to operate and remain active was through the use of hardcore pain medication. Needless to say, my work performance suffered and before long I was sent home and told, 'Clean up or don't come back.' I had to be admitted to a detox center and tried very hard. My back injuries however, are severe and the pain is intense. I've learned to deal with what I call everyday pain with small amounts of medication, and on days when the pain spikes from moving wrong or too much activity, I need to load up. I found myself at times abusing the medications that my body was often dependant on. I sought out help and a twelve-step program. Until science finds a way to correct my back, I'll have to live in pain, but through the work of a twelve-step program, I'm no longer abusing the medication, only using it  as prescribed.

After two years of being on 100% disability, I realized that at the age of 44 I needed something in my life. My life was a drudgery of waking up each morning, wondering what kind of pain day it would be, and what would I do that day; nothing. So, I decided to write the novel I've always wanted to. Finally I had a purpose. Unable to sit at a desk for any period of time, I often sit in bed and type on a laptop. I can only write on days when I'm in moderate pain and only for short periods at a time, but I write fast.

I wrote the draft of my first novel in three months, all 64,000-words of it (in case you don't know, that's a bit short for a mainstream novel), and thought I had done it. It was so far from a completed work of commercial fiction it was embarrassing but I didn't know that at the time so I kept writing and finished my second novel and 2/3 of a third. With the help of an editor I met at my local writers group, FWA, I spent the next two years polishing and learning. I finally had something to show for my effort, my second novel, Three of a Kind. It's good, very good, and I received a contract to publish through a local, small, independent publisher. Everyone who read the book and knew of my pending publishing date would tell me how rich I was going to be. What little they and myself knew. I didn't receive an advance, the publishing company was too small. Three months prior to my publication date, I started researching marketing and distribution, and to quite my surprise, I found out that it is the rare author that makes any money off their novel. Between the small percentages of royalties offered by publishing companies and lack of marketing, 98% of published books sell fewer than 5,000 copies. At the $.40 per sale an author might make per book, that's very little money to go around.

While researching, I came up with a lot of questions my publisher couldn't answer, plus they had a clause in the contract that I would be exclusively available for promotional events for a period of time after the release of the book. I went to one conference with the publisher and a few of the authors in their stable prior to my publication date. It was an unpleasant experience for me. I couldn't participate for two to three days sitting at a table from 10:00 p.m. until 6:00 p.m., never mind the long drive there and the after days parties and events. My back couldn't take it, so I canceled my contract. I needed to find another way to publish where I could be in charge and in control of my marketing efforts.

At around the same time, my disability carrier got wind that I had a book publishing contract, and I assume like everyone else, they thought I was making and going to make a lot of money. I tried to assure them that there is no guarantee an author will make a dime, but they launched an investigation anyway causing me to hire an attorney with a $5,000 retainer. The battle rages on and now SSDI is in the act. There are hints that if I had a publishing contract, there's hidden money, and that if I can write a book, surely I'm employable. Neither could be farther from the truth. So, I'm now in the position of I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I want to self publish, because I believe I can sell 5,000 copies and attract a large publishing house. Who knows, I might be able to make some money, and then I can see the disability carrier and SSDI taking an interest, but it doesn't look like I'll get that chance. If I publish, they'll cut off all of my disability payments, if I don't, then why bother writing. 

It's obviously a very frustrating position to be in. I found something I'm passionate about, can do on my limited capability of activity, and maybe, just maybe I'll do well enough to take care of myself instead of relying on monthly disability checks.

What would you do?